By Shirley Shropshire, MS, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate
Couples are each on a unique journey specific to the ways their personal stories are intertwined and woven together in their relationship. Sometimes couples have idealized their relationship based on other couples they know, marriage mentors, and people in their family. It can be difficult to ask for third party help when the idea of attending couples counseling isn’t discussed in any of your social networks, you don’t know how it works, and you see other couples you idealize who seem to be able to work through their issues without it.
It is no surprise that couples tend to “wait it out” when issues arise. By nature of being a human we experience transitions and changes in our personal experiences that inevitably change with time. So why rush to couple therapy? We, obviously, all have different tolerances for “waiting.”
In couple relationships though, “waiting” can be detrimental. Couples are often aware quite early when something is “off.” For some couples, the act of waiting can actually lead both partners to increase their defenses in more and more areas of their relationship. So how do you stop waiting, and get yourself and your partner into therapy before your threshold for “waiting” has run out?
Tone Down Criticism
As relationship struggles increase, criticism often increases as well. It can be easier to criticize your partner’s unwillingness to attend therapy when you feel your partner does not understand or hear you. Criticism, in and of itself, makes it difficult for either partner to hear the “hurt” in one another. It can actually lead your partner to resist your request for help in the relationship. While your frustrations and concerns are important, try to tell your partner about your desire to help the relationship.
Speak Honestly
In the absence of criticism, consider discussing the ways each of you have attempted to address the concerns in your relationship. Often, partners are unaware that their significant other was doing something to repair the relationship. Discuss what each of you see as the central issue, and have a conversation about ways each of you have tried to address your concerns with one another.
Discuss Where You See Yourself in the Relationship
Couples may be so focused on trying to find solutions to their problems that they have not slowed down to share their struggle with their partner. In fact, some partners are actually willing to engage in therapy when they realize their partner is unhappy. Sometimes a discussion about one another’s experience in the relationship is an opportunity for a couple to acknowledge together how they see the relationship. Can you summarize your feeling about your relationship in one statement that you would feel comfortable sharing with your partner? Sharing this information is not about “proving” one partner’s experience over the other. It is simply allowing a moment for each partner to share their experience out loud, so both partner’s can “see” it.
Ask
It sounds so simple, but it can be very difficult to ask for your partner’s cooperation when things are “off” in the relationship. Asking can show your partner that you see yourself as a team member and that you want to work together. When asking a partner to attend therapy, consider focusing on “us” or “we” and not “you”. For example, “I would like ‘us’ to attend therapy.” Telling a partner, “You have a problem,” is unlikely to encourage them to work with you. How would you respond to your partner’s request to the the question, “Can we work on this together?”
Invite Your Partner to Help Search for a Couple Therapist
Searching for a therapist together can help both partners approach therapy with a sense of equality and shared vision. One partner choosing a therapist without the consent of the other can feel one sided. Invite your partner to review profiles and select a therapist that has qualities you both appreciate, including training in couple therapy.