By Shirley Shropshire, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate
So often the sum total of sexual interaction is focused on the very act of sex, without much consideration for ways it impacts people emotionally. If I asked you to think of and share a memorable experience, you are likely to share how it impacted you emotionally. Think of the first time you saw your partner. You probably noticed many things. Most importantly, you are likely to recall the “felt” experience in that moment. Sometimes people even say they felt it in their “gut”. Emotions become intertwined with experiences, even sexual ones. Yet having ways of discussing very basic sexual preferences can be challenging for people who have not been taught how. The very nature of discussing sexual intimacy can be uncomfortable for some, and to others no big deal.
Use these conversation starters as a tool to learn more about yourself, your partner, and even the emotions connected to close intimate touch in your relationship.
Most memorable sexual encounter.
Yes, I’m asking you to talk with your partner about your most memorable sexual encounter. Maybe it is the same encounter as your partner, maybe not. Why was it so memorable? What happened that made it stand out? Was it funny? Passionate?
Partners may not cherish the same moments, but what they do remember provides powerful details about the moments that stand out. Share stories with one another. Make it fun and learn about what peaks your partner’s interest.
That thing you do.
Whether it is one thing or several, just say it. Say what it is that your partner does that you find so incredible. What person does not want to hear about something their partner really enjoyed while being intimate? Too often couples withhold the very details that help one another know when they are getting something right! Discuss what it was like to hear your partner’s appreciation of you.
What turns me on?
If you don’t know what turns you on, why would your partner? Tuning in to what turns you on is key. Use your senses. Sensuality can be expanded when you slow down and consider how sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch put you in the mood. Letting your partner know this information helps your partner build a sexual map of your preferences. Real life is not like in the movies and partners do not magically know unless you give them a clue! Tell your partner what really turns you on.
What turns me off?
You want your partner to build a really great sexual map of your preferences? Don’t let your partner get lost on a road that leads to a dead end. If you are have trouble getting in the mood or engaging with your partner because your mind can’t stop thinking about something that really sends you in the opposite direction, then tell your partner. Be gentle. Imagine using words you would want your partner to say to you. Then invite your partner to share something about you. Open discussion can help both of you increase physical and emotional intimacy.
Before it ever turns into sex.
So….it isn’t just about sex! Sex is like the firework show at the end of an event. Smoldering. Fantastic. Enjoyable. But clearly coming after something else has taken place. I’m not saying you have to go on a special date night, rent a hotel room, and order room service every time. Even when you do not plan a special day or evening together, can you imagine baiting your partner with affections that signal your desire? What would do you? A whisper in their ear, a special note, I’m sure you get where I’m going. Put effort into building sexual desire with one another over a day or week, whatever works best for you. Talk to your partner about ways you appreciate them building sexual and emotional intensity in your relationship.
Touch me, touch me not.
Understanding and respecting your partner’s sexual preferences about touch are an important foundation for building sexual trust. More importantly, there may be very specific reasons a partner may not appreciate a particular type of touch. Past sexual violations and moments of embarrassment can all factor into current intimate touch. Without the ability to discuss preferences and boundaries, partners can inadvertently trigger thoughts that interfere with intimacy. Sometimes partners assume that the other person will just know or pick up on details, but it is important for each partner to clearly share and ask about limits for one another.
How I know you are safe?
While partners may be willing to be playful and creative sexually, each person is likely to need reassurance that they will not be coaxed into doing something they do not want. Open and honest discussion about each partner’s desires are easier to have before becoming intimate, this lessens the likelihood of either partner being coerced or feeling like they didn’t have a choice. Determining a safe word that either partner can use to signal their discomfort is important, plus a couple can decide what actions are to follow when the safe word is used. Do you want to be a safe haven for helping your partner explore sexual intimacy? Consider how the absence of sexual safety could impact sexual interaction.
What we do afterwards?
There is often so much emphasis on orgasm that sensuality in the deeply felt pleasure of just being close to one’s partner is often underappreciated. How do you and your partner want to be with one another following sex? What are you doing now that each of you appreciate? Could it be better? Harness the moment and make the most of caressing, snuggling, and deeply felt connection with your partner. If you do not have a ritual following sex, consider creating one and discuss it with your partner.