By Shirley Shropshire, MS, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate

So often couples attend therapy with no previous experience in couple therapy. Myths around couple therapy are full of ideals that a therapist has a magical formula for or expert power to know exactly what a couple should do. I am always so impressed by couples who still choose to attend therapy without knowing what to expect. After all, couples are trusting they will get help by exposing the most intimate parts of their lives – their relationship. Of course it can be scary, but it isn’t helpful when myths grow into commonly believed ideas about therapy that are not completely true.It’s important for couples to have realistic ideas about what to expect in couple treatment.

Myth #1

The therapist will tell us if we should be together.

Couples attend therapy for many different reasons. Some because they no longer want to be together, others because they want to build a strong bond in a new relationship, and pretty much everything in between. That being said, science and research on relationships can tell a therapist many things, so can their clinical experience. It cannot, however, tell a therapist whether a particular couple should or should not be together. The only exception to this is in cases where safety is a legitimate concern.

There are two important factors to consider. One, a therapist has a duty to support and collaborate with a couple to set a goal for treatment. Usually, this goal is to support some aspect of their relationship. For example, “We want to stop arguing so much.” Logically speaking, many couples attend therapy so a therapist can support them in repairing some aspect of their relationship, not so the therapist can tell them they should just give up or shouldn’t be together. So it goes without saying that therapists who take the reigns and tell a couple whether they should or should not be together can be going rogue. It could also be an indication that a couple is not seeing a person who has experience seeing couples.

Second, therapists are bound to support an ethical principle called autonomy. It means therapists allow clients to make their own decisions. To often, well meaning therapists blur the boundary between using research to support their direction and taking the power to make informed decisions away from a couple. On the other hand, some couples actually attend therapy so an “expert” can make the call for them.

Myth #2

Therapy will be a magic pill.

I get it. We live in a culture where there is a pill for everything or a button that can be clicked. Technology makes things fast, just a click here and there and poof! It’s amazing, but it also helps us get used to things being super fast, simple, and easy. Unless of course, you hate technology. Many years ago “pills” and new medications changed the landscape of mental health. No wonder people get the idea that therapy might be a magic pill for their relationship. While some couples have wonderful experiences in therapy and will attest to increased “magic” and intimacy in their relationship, therapy is not a guarantee. Yes, many couples benefit from therapy. Generally speaking, research tends to show that a majority of couples benefit from therapy. There are also many couples who wait a long time to seek treatment and then hope therapy will be a quick and easy “fix” for everything. While therapy can help, it can also take time. Some couples can come in after years of pent up resentment and get to a better place and others show up too tired or emotionally removed from the relationship to commit to therapy. Part of the problem with magic pill thinking, is that it teaches people to be reactive not proactive. Addressing issues early is key.

Myth #3

The therapist will tell us who is at fault.

It might be surprising to know, but couples do a pretty good job of helping therapists understand what is and is not fair in their relationship. Remember, there are variations of fairness in every relationship. Couple therapy is usually more focused on the interactions that led to one or both partner’s doing something that was unfair. Sometimes, injuries in relationships are obvious. Even when they are, finger pointing is not a goal of therapy, supporting a couple to understand how they got in an unfair situation usually is. Focusing on fault alone or finding fault doesn’t help a couple better understand themselves or their relationship.

Shirley Shropshire is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate in Waxahachie, Texas. Her clinical practice is Foundations Couple and Family Therapy. She specializes in helping couples repair their relationships.