By Shirley Shropshire, MS, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate

Generally speaking, your therapist will have some influence on the direction and course of questioning that therapy will take.  So if there is something of particular importance to you, such as your therapist’s experience with a particular issue, then it is better to ask up front.  Most therapists offer free phone consultations, which provide an opportunity to give prospective clients information about therapy.  It is also a time for you, the prospective client, to ask important questions.  For example, if you are seeking therapy to decide if you want to stay in your marriage, you might want to ask if the therapist is pro-marriage.  While a pro-marriage therapist may work with you, their pro-marriage stance may not align with your desire to consider other alternatives if you are on the fence about your marriage or relationship.  Vice versa, if you are seeking a therapist to privilege your marriage, then it is helpful for you to be clear about exactly what you want from therapy.

Couples are often curious about the process of therapy, what kinds of questions they will be asked, and they worry that a therapist will pass judgement on them or their relationship.  While there isn’t necessarily a way to prepare for therapy so to speak, it can help to have an idea of what therapy looks like.

How Couples Counseling Starts

An intake session is an opportunity for a therapist to meet you, learn about your relationship, increase their understanding of you and your experiences, and most of all make you comfortable with the process of therapy.   In fact, this process starts before you ever enter the therapy room.  You will likely be asked to complete an intake questionnaire(s) with multiple choice, fill in the blank, or short answer questions before you see the therapist.  There are also other important documents that provide you will valuable information such as a notice of privacy practices (in the United States) and an informed consent document, which details information you should know before agreeing to treatment.  If something stands out or peaks your curiosity, ask about it.

My intake session is a time for information gathering with an emphasis on building my understanding, an understanding of how the couple sitting in front of me experience one another and the world in general.  While there is certainly a reason that has motivated them to seek me out, I like to rewind and start from the beginning.  Here are sample questions I might ask:

• How did you meet?
• What first attracted you to one another?
• What made your partner different than other people you dated?
• What was easy about your relationship? What wasn’t?

Of course, I also ask a couple about the thing that brought them into therapy.  I follow-up with questions I might have from the information they provided.  Most importantly, I work to make sure the picture in my mind feels like an accurate representation for the couple.  I ask the couple to give me feedback about my own comments, help me with necessary corrections, and provide me with an idea of what they want to get out of therapy.

Following an intake, I require each partner to complete an individual session.  It is very similar to the intake but focused on one partner.  During the individual session, I ask many basic questions about family and other areas of experience.  For example:

• Do you have siblings?
• Tell me about the family you grew up in.
• How would you describe your family?
• What did you learn about love from relationships?

Ongoing Couple Therapy Sessions

Because my training is in marriage and family therapy, I work from a perspective that emphasizes relationship dynamics and communication.  Why does this matter?  Because the training of any therapist will influence the direction of treatment, their approach, and the kinds of questions they ask.  Generally, my job is to guide a couple to look more carefully and thoughtfully at the dynamics that occur between them.  However, much of what I do is customized to the couple sitting in front of me, their particular issue, and my own awareness of where the couple is asking me to intervene.  I know, I know, you just want an idea of what it looks like.  Here are some sample questions I might ask:

• What is it like for you when your partner ____________?
• How do you let your partner know you want to spend time together?
• What happens when you get the idea your partner is distant?
• Can you tell your partner you feel ___________? What gets in the way?

General Guidelines for Couples Counseling

Here are some ideas about couples therapy that may help ease your worry about what to expect.

• Therapists aim to develop a relationship with you, so YOU are comfortable.
• Couples counseling is not about blame, blame doesn’t help a couple move forward.
• Couples experience improvement differently, at different rates, and with different expectations.
• Therapy is not a magic pill, it is a process that involves time, commitment, and energy.
• Couples get to ask questions too.  If you don’t feel safe enough to ask, you might not be with the best therapist for your relationship.
• It takes strength to allow a therapist to walk with you in a fragile place.
• It is important to know what you want out of therapy, then share this with your therapist.
• Feedback in therapy is key, don’t be afraid to talk about what is or isn’t working in therapy.

Mostly importantly, do your research to find a therapist that feels like a “fit” for you, has training in couple therapy, and presents a clear impression of what they do.

Want to know more about couples counseling? Read out post on Secret Questions Couples Want To Ask About Therapy But Don’t