By Shirley Shropshire, MS, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate

First, I must say the decision to enter or not enter couple therapy is a decision best left to a couple.  Each couple and the circumstances of their life are unique, so deciding on therapy is a decision that a couple should consider together.

Even as a couple therapist, I do not make decisions for couples about beginning treatment.  I have, however, realized that couples who feel their relationship is in jeopardy are often tired.  “Tired” can sometimes get people to a place where they simply want someone to step in and give them the “right” advice.  Advice can be effective and helpful, but it also depends on the couple and their situation as to whether it works.  My philosophy is this, if advice is the solution then friends, family, and self-help books would be enough.  Some couples enter therapy instead of asking for advice, and others when advice is no longer effective.  Therapy is not advice.

When couples begin therapy, they often have fixed ideas about what is happening in their relationship.  Therapy is like getting a couple to wear a different pair of sunglasses or several different pair for that matter.  It is up to the couple to decide what sunglasses work, not the therapist.

Questions For Considering Couple Therapy

Discuss these questions with your partner.

1.  What is at stake in our relationship?
2.  If we are both invested, what keeps us from approaching counseling as a couple?
3.  What is our greatest fear of entering couple treatment?
4.  If we were to stay on the same path, where will we be in one year? Five years?
5.  What do we hope to accomplish in therapy?

Signs of Relational Fatigue

“Tired” couples can be on different paths, driving different speeds, and at different points in their journey.  Here are some signs of you or your partner may be getting tired in your relationship:

~ You keep trying solutions that do not help make things better.

~ One or both of you have turned away from the relationship.  Turning away can be obvious such as an affair or less obvious such as turning to social media, friendships, or activities.

~ Your relationship is a source of frustration, not motivation.

~ You can predict arguments and how often they will happen.

~ You want something from your partner you are not getting.

~ One or both of you know how to build “walls.”

~ One or both of you feel controlled by the other.

~ The amount of time you have spent feeling unhappy is too much for you.

~ You have begun to imagine a life without your partner.

~ Your relationship is more disconnected than connected.

~ You sense your partner does not care about your needs.

~ You avoid discussion or interactions that might cause conflict.

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