Virtual Couple Counseling: It can “feel” good too.

By Shirley Shropshire Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate

Unfortunately, Covid-19 is not going away anytime soon. It also means that many couples who were juggling issues before the pandemic, now have many other challenges to manage. From altered work schedules and financial challenges to uncertainty about children in school during this unprecedented year. Now more than ever, technology as a way to stay connected is pushing into uncharted territory.

If you have considered couple counseling but fear engaging in face-to-face therapy, virtual sessions might be right for you. I constantly hear from people who prefer in person sessions because they worry the “feeling” of virtual sessions will be diminished, stale, or cause them to zone out like they do during extended videoconferencing for their jobs. It makes sense! People trust what they “feel”, it’s like internal GPS. This doesn’t mean that virtual sessions can’t “feel” good as well. It just takes a bit more consideration and preparation on your part. We all have different levels of comfort when it comes to risk and our health. So if you error on the side of caution and do not want to risk in person sessions, here are some things you should consider to improve the “feel” of virtual couple counseling.

Comfort

As a couple, you and your partner should decide the best space in your home for increasing comfort with virtual sessions. The therapist isn’t there to create a safe and calm atmosphere, so each of you need to consider how to create it for yourselves. While many people have moved to home offices or make shift spaces to work in their home during the pandemic, it may not be the best place to do virtual sessions. Will it feel like you are at work? Planning for comfort can help put you at ease, so you can focus on your relationship during session.

• Pick a neutral and private space in your home.
• Make it comfortable by adding pillows, a soft blanket, or having a place to set a drink.
• Keep a box of tissues nearby. You don’t want to stop session to run and grab tissues to wipe tears or blow your nose.
• Minimize disruptions ahead of session. Turn off phones, adjust the thermostat, and show up to your designated space just like you would a face-to-face session.
• Use the restroom before session. You don’t want to miss out on conversation during session or leave your partner hanging.
• Situate yourself so both of you can see the therapist and you can also turn to look at and speak to each other.
• Have a plan for children and pets. The pandemic has made it difficult to plan for childcare, at the very least it has limited options. Consider all your resources such as family members, neighbors, or a trusted sitter. Older children are more capable of managing on their own, talking with them ahead of time to establish boundaries can head off disruptions. Do pets need to be taken out, put up, or fed? Or will a pet increase your comfort during session?

Confidentiality

The cornerstone of all therapy is knowing it is confidential. When therapy is virtual, clients assume more responsibility for ensuring their discussions are private. Therapy can touch on past infidelity, spark anger, or reveal deep pain. Don’t assume others can’t hear you!

• Paper thin walls are ripe for eavesdropping. Do rooms next to you need to be off limits to other adults or children? Is there a room in your home where sound travel is reduced? Consider a space decorated with soft surfaces that diminish sound.
• Will you truly be able to speak freely if others are in your home? Every home environment is different. While some have space to spread out and respect privacy, others don’t. Some people have a difficult time disclosing to loved ones they are in couple therapy. Yet, it can also be important in establishing support for privacy or securing help with childcare.
• What story do you and your partner want to tell other family members or children who might take notice of what is happening? Everyone has different needs for privacy, from couples who never tell anyone they are in therapy to couples who take pride seeking help and happily share with others. What will you need to do to feel secure?

Communication

Communication in any therapy is vital. In virtual therapy, technology is intertwined in producing clear communication exchanges. With virtual sessions, clients are responsible for making sure their technology is sufficient for clear communication. Clarity is key, so make sure you have the necessary technology to support virtual sessions!

• Consider internet speed. The higher the better. Slow speeds can create delays and interrupt conversation. Internet speed is different everywhere and people living in rural areas often do not have the same access to high speed networks as people in urban areas.
• Determine if your technology can support videoconferencing. Ask about basic technological requirements to support the therapist’s platform for virtual sessions. Run any necessary tests or add needed software.
• Do you have a laptop or computer with a larger screen? Using a laptop with a couple is preferable because it is easier for the therapist to see both partners. Plus, the couple can easily move the device around. Put it somewhere where you can both be seen. Make sure it is stationary to reduce distraction from movement and sound changes.
• Consider using head sets or ear buds with microphones for improved sound quality. They allow each partner to be clearly heard by the therapist. Soft voices, whispers, or a cracked voice when a head drops are all vital pieces of information that can be lost if a laptop microphone is poor or sitting too far away.
• Know how to handle connection issues. A therapist should explain how to handle connection issues and steps to take if connection cannot be reestablished. If you don’t know, ask.
• Basic lighting is essential. If the room you are in is dark, use overhead lighting, lamps, or inexpensive clip on lights to ensure the therapist can clearly see each partner’s face. It is important for a therapist to see every curled lips, scrunched brow, and tearful eye!

If you have never tried virtual therapy sessions, don’t be afraid. A therapist is there to guide you. Ask questions up front, plan, and give it a try!

Learn more about how to talk with your partner about counseling, what to expect, and not falling into myths about couple counseling.